Welcome to the Shit show

This is by far that hardest post I’ve written, it’s kind of more of an open letter to everyone, basically so I don’t have to repeat these things, you can just be aware of my current situation and not need constant updates on it because I’m beyond not capable of repeating this over and over.

So, I’ll just start with today after round 3 with my Dr (who has been fab) and by round 3 I don’t mean to imply some kind of fight, although she’d probably find a boxing match easier than dealing with my brain…. anyway, I’m now prescribed Propranolol which for those of you (like me) that do not know what it is, it’s a beta blocker…. look we learn together, to those of you that already knew what that was, keep your pharmaceutical knowledge to yourself us amateurs are developing.

SO, I have been prescribed these because I have panic attacks and my heart starts boppin round like we’re in some kind of bouncy castle on crack…. I don’t actually know what it’s like to be on crack but ya know it could fit the description so I’ll roll with it. These panic attacks aren’t like you see in the movies I’m not screaming and crying and curled up in a corner, I could have had one when I’ve been in your company and you hadn’t even noticed that’s what’s happening because I became a pro at hiding them. My most common symptoms are racing heartbeat, hot flushes, choking sensation, chest pain, shaky limbs, churning stomach and horrendous feeling of dread. These don’t all come at once they don’t all happen every time, we like to keep things spicy they shake up, chop and change every now and then, sometimes I can disguise them sometimes I really can’t and it all gets a little bit like the movies….

I also have some kind of night terror type things?? I’m not aware of what I look like, my lovey partner is, he gets stuck having to watch the woman he loves (insert aww noise/ heaving gif here) in these “episodes” I’ll (in his words) start to make some kind of noise like a cry or a moan like I’m trying to tell someone to stop something, I’ll then become violent in my movements and I’ll sometimes scratch and dig my nails into my skin. I’ll very suddenly wake up then take a few moments before recognition returns to my face and that’s the point where I either cry or get a headache…. or both.

I would like to point out I’m not a danger to anyone or myself if anything ever got to that point, I have enough support around me to know someone would take control of the situation if it was necessary. I am still very capable of being happy, enjoying myself I don’t need wrapping in bubble wrap and keeping in a closet… I literally only just came out of mine (AYEEEE) but there are some issues and troubles that are a big part of my life.

I’m not asking for sympathy quite frankly I don’t want it, I’m asking for acceptance, not understanding of why I’m like this but the fact that I am like it and no one should have to over explain everything they do or everything that happens to them because you can’t understand why it’s happening, just accept that it is. I’m very lucky in so many ways for what I have in my life but that doesn’t solve other problems the question “how can she be feeling that way when she has this that or the other….” stupid, don’t ask it, it makes you look ignorant, I know this because in the past I’ve made similar statements about other people and I was being ignorant because I didn’t understand what they were going through and I’ve learnt from that, see it is possible.

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