Coming out and Breaking Down

Sadly, this isn’t about breaking it down into some great dance moves….

I came out almost two months ago now? It was great it helped me so much, it was the first time in a long time I’d been truly honest with myself but it did also push me towards a breakdown.

This wasn’t direct or the only reason, having the freedom to come out and finally feel like I good basically triggered my brain to realise I could be honest with myself about a lot of things and the main thing was my mental health.

I’ve struggled with a lot over the years but I’ve hidden it because I wasn’t allowed to express those emotions or feel a certain way, or I’d be talked out of it, so I decided to constantly tell myself that there was nothing wrong with me. I’d channel my feelings differently in order to let them out in some way, I’d be mean and rude and arsey and aggressive, I still do it now I’m just aware of it and I try to stop myself.

When that moment came that it really hit me like a tonne of bricks that I have to let it all out and accept I’m not ok (we call it mega breakdown Monday) everything did basically flip on its head.

I have days where I can cope and days where I can’t, I don’t really sleep and when I do its night terrors, delusions, hallucinations, I grind my teeth and bite my tongue whilst I sleep… I woke up this morning and my tongue was swollen and I had a vile headache…

Currently looking at myself I look like Carolyn Perron at that point in The Conjuring where she’s trying to stab her children… but it’s because I’ve had a bad couple of days and I’m not trying to stab my children, just to clarify.

As much as accepting my problems and actively trying to seek help is great, it doesn’t mean I’m suddenly ok.

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