A little evil mouse in my brain

I’m pretty sure there’s an evil little mouse sat on my brain prodding it with sticks……

I thought this one suited October 1st, although it doesn’t involve spooky scary skeletons.

I, now more than ever, am very easily scared by most things, simple tasks like driving or walking somewhere, people, literally any person it doesn’t matter who they are.

I don’t sit and scream I don’t run away when I get this sudden fear, usually I just sit/stand really still and quiet, I’ll probably gasp or something but there’s no frantic response. It’s never really something scary someone does either, it can be a facial expression, a movement, I can mishear what someone over the road has said and I’ll feel my entire body almost tighten? Everything goes cold and breathing requires some serious concentration.

Sudden noises really get me, I never just jump and then carry on it’ll take me a good 5/10 minutes to settle, that’s not handy if you’re down the road from a pub!

I’ve always had the fear of people regarding what they say about me, I tried to please everyone but that just left me in bad company, I’d be more concerned about people finding out things about me that made me look bad, than I would be with trying to remedy or figure out why I’d ended up in that situation. I’d like to say once your trust is betrayed a few times the upset from it wears off and you start to focus on just bettering yourself, but it doesn’t, i just end up trying to do both. I’m hopeful if I keep trying to put bettering myself first then with time the care just goes away along with any unkind people.

I’ll have sudden thoughts, usually at night, they’ll be about having a car accident or becoming ill suddenly with no warning, or losing a loved one, it’s near impossible to switch off those thoughts too, I just sit and hope that I fall asleep, then I fall asleep have a horrible nightmare, wake up and we do it all again!!!!!!

I have numerous coping mechanisms for these moments, burying myself in my phone looking for some calming videos to watch, like puppies and kittens, all that fluffy stuff. A not so beneficial way I try to handle my mind is by napping, which just doesn’t work because I’ll wake up groggy, grumpy and upset that I’ve lost a large amount of the day. Oo and then we end up in that realm of “oh my that could have been the last day of my life and I’ve just wasted it” like thanks brain, thanks a bunch for that one.

Sometimes I think my best bet would be to lock myself in a small room where no one and no thing could get to me but then I remember that in order to get ice cream I need to go to the shop, or at least open the door to a delivery driver… oh and of course seeing my loved ones that’s obviously important too……..

I still manage to smile, as much as I can, and I found some tiny pumpkins today so that’s just the best thing ever!

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