I still haven’t been able to lay on a sofa with a sophisticated looking therapist sat in an oversized armchair taking notes whilst they ask me how I feel about multiple childhood memories and quite frankly I am DISSAPOINTED (I’m kidding I promise GP if you read this for some bizzare reason please don’t abandon me).
Sooooo basically I have an “Agreed Action/ Treatment Plan” (that’s in capital letters on my documents it’s like I’m being screamed at) my main difficulties have been identified as past anxieties, Depression caused by past experiences. I have a further assessment with a “Gateway Worker” coming up, I have to have this because I have a planned method of suicide that I have access to the materials to do this and that I have on multiple occasions wanted to action….. sucks right?! Don’t put me in a bubble wrap padded cell, I’ve pulled through those dark moments every time and they were occurring when I was between the ages of 13 and 16 and I’m in a much better position now than I was then and even better than I was say 3 months ago, but it still needs addressing in order to move on from those memories. *Also regarding materials you know I don’t mean things people shouldn’t have access too it’s things that can be easily accessible just to clarify*
I then move on to what I swear the lovely assessment lady called Trauma Psychotherapy, but quite frankly my memory is like a sieve that catches nothing at the moment so we will just roll with wherever I get directed.
At the moment I’m doing my best with the brutal honesty because I’ve spent years making up multiple lies, hiding a lot and suffering in complete silence. The honesty only goes so far, I’m not going to start detailing my trauma…… That’s just not a fun time!
The people that I need to know because they are my close circle they’re my support, they’re aware of what’s happened to me as a child and that’s all I need because it gives them the best chance at being there for me as they want to do and I’m very lucky to have that, they are the best people I never thought I’d be lucky enough to have. The number of people that know is tiny, only one person knew from me up until a month ago when I felt comfortable enough to tell someone else and then about 3 other people then the Assessment people all know and my doctors etc etc and that’s all been within the last month which has been some tough steps!
All I can say from this is that the old Pinterest saying of “Everyone you meet is fighting a battle you know nothing about” I probably should of taken more notice of that a long time ago because now I’m just begging that if you do one thing before you speak about somebody, remember this quote.