Not wanting to buy baby stuff

I never appreciated how hard pregnancy is until I started experiencing it for myself…. women are tough, especially my mum she gave birth to my brother and he has a head like a bowling ball.

So I’ll just dive straight in here….. I didn’t want to start buying baby stuff until I was about 30 weeks, mainly because I was scared. Scared that something would happen, essentially that I would be jinxing a miscarriage, a still birth, SIDS all that terrifying stuff, by diving in and buying things and it would happen and I’d just be surrounded by baby stuff with no baby and that was a horrible feeling because it happens, it’s not sugar coated that’s real.

I’m doing everything I can to grow a healthy happy baby, but a miscarriage can happen regardless of that and I can’t imagine how that feels and it terrifies me. We’re completely powerless to it and its shit, when I had a scare very early on I was simply told what will be will be…. NOOOOOO THAT DOESN’T HELP!!!!

There’s no magical conclusion to any of this, simply saying accept what will be will be…. no no that’s a big no from me. It’s hard, pregnancy is hard and it can’t be narrowed down to any type of simple statement.

So yesterday, I started packing a hospital bag after a bit of encouragement and realisation hitting me that I will be giving birth at some point….. and with how far along I am even if it’s premature I will need to go to hospital so the bag is being prepared! Its a small start but a great one! then we chose a pram today, that was big and really fun I loved doing that.

Theres been no denial at any point in my pregnancy but it has taken time to feel real and that im going to be a mum, and that’s so exciting and warming to say. I’m just trying to navigate the emotions of the things that could happen because it is scary, our babies not born yet but already we’re completely in love and there’s 602 things to be frightened of, (probably more than that) and the brain just starts listing them sometimes and I’m like whoa nono stop it go back to playing random embarrassing memories.

My approach now is just trying to focus on the pregnancy and accepting the things that are completely out of my control whilst working on the things in my control and hopefully that continues to work well….but I constantly remind myself it’s not so simple and feeling frightened is natural and normal and not something to feel ashamed of. ooo I could look at some bulk packs of nappies!

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